I know you all have been eagerly anticipating my post on the "hot seat." :) The RG leaders were quite amused by our groups efforts to label the process. Like I mentioned earlier, each participant took some time to tell their story...then after each teaching time, we were asked a pointed question that would reveal some area(s) of unbelief/issues/sin in our lives. Although it seemed as though I was on the "hot seat" about 4 times, only the first two were really difficult.
What predicated the first round was the question "What makes it difficult to accept God's forgiveness?...and to extend God's forgiveness?" I basically answered that it was difficult to accept God's forgiveness when I continue to sin in areas. I'm okay to accept it at first, but feel I should have figured out by the next time or two. Similarly, I have a hard time extending God's forgiveness to people who continue to sin against me in the same way...like if I forgive them, they won't have any desire to really change. Somehow that brought around the concept of expectations...the concept that I have too high of expectations for myself...that I have a hard time letting myself fail/not do what's right/etc. Basically, that showed me that although I am working a lot for God, I'm not taking the time to enjoy God for who He is...that I need to sit as His feet like Mary did rather than always be bustling around like Martha. Now, I'm not sure how much this will actually affect what I do outwardly, but inwardly, my desires were changed to not do because I should be, but do because I love God and He has given me so much. That has already been very freeing as I came back to a handful of activities and such...it's helped me to just be okay about how things are done, to spend some time in God's presence appreciating Him.
Second round followed the question, "What burden of shame do you need to cast into the sea?" I piped up relatively quickly on that one expecting that since I just got "pursued" last session, I'd be moved past...wrong! My answer spoke of the shame I have felt when I get angry with my kiddos and lectured them/manipulated them/just generally treated them badly rather than discipling/nurturing as God calls us to. One of the leaders honed in on that and challenged why that brought me shame - because I was sinning against my kiddos and treating those entrusted to me badly. I was asked what that says about God - that I don't think He has my best in mind because my kiddos misbehave...I would like them to already be perfect, I have made an idol of perfect kids and a calm household. She asked what I did about it...I replied that I would generally seek their forgiveness for wronging them. Then she pressed me further about whether I had also sought God's forgiveness. On that point, I acknowledged that I didn't do that. She proceeded to challenge me with the concept that sin is first and foremost about God - that it is shaking my fist at Him saying that I have better ideas, that my way is superior. I had honestly not really considered that before...I had seen my sin as something that should be changed because it was bad, not necessarily because it was specifically against God. Already, this has greatly helped me as we started back into school and the kiddos get cranky...I have been able to let go of my frustrations realizing God has chosen this for me in this moment, and He has a greater plan than I ever will.
Freeing is a way I would describe how this weekend impacted me. It showed me again of my position in Christ, how great His love is for me, how much I have been given. That regardless if I never do another thing for Him, He calls me His own...that my primary responsibility is to rightly worship Him at all times and in all things...that being satisfied in Him is the best thing I can do...that I can let go of the difficulties in this world, knowing He is in complete control. How thankful I am that He claims me as His own...
here's a view of where we had our teaching time...lovely, lovely
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